My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
