Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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