My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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