So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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