If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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