Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize