Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
