after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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