I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
