Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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