So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
