brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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