I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
