I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
