Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
