I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We're too hungover to prance.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
