He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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