Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
