I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
