Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
