Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
