Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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