so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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