I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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