Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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