I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
