I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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