so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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