wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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