i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
