Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
