Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
