Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize