Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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