Sry I called you an 8
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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