I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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