i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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