omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
