Swine flu. Run for my life!
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
