So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
