I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize