I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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