I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
