i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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