It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
