That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
