I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
