The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
