i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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