I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
