I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
