broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize