The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
