Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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