I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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