I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
