I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
