I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
