an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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