whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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