Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize