you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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