No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
