Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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