Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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