It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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