We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
