you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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