Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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