half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
